Having twins often brings double the joy, but it can also come with extra challenges for parents. While many of these challenges are logistical, such as coordinating two nappy changes, things become more complicated as your kids grow up.
As your twins reach their teenage years, differences between them may become more pronounced. One may push for independence, while the other stays close. One may care deeply about social issues, while the other is more interested in appearances.
You may feel thrown off balance by these diverging paths, especially if you are used to your children moving through life as a pair. But it helps to remember that divergence is not a problem. It is, in fact, a natural part of their growth!
As a parent, your role is more about supporting each child to develop into their own unique character. Here is how to be a parent of twins who also fosters individual growth.
When Comparison Creeps In
Even the most mindful parents are not immune to comparison. You may notice who handles stress better or who is more adept at sports. Outside the home, teachers comment on differences in performance, and relatives ask who is doing better in school. Even your children’s friends will assume one twin is the leader and the other is the follower.
Comparison is natural, but you should be aware of its unspoken effects. Left unchecked, it can quietly shape how twins see themselves. When you notice yourself measuring one twin against the other, stop and think again. Instead of evaluating who is ahead or behind, focus on acknowledging each child’s distinct strengths and talents.
Fair Does Not Always Mean Equal
As twins move through adolescence, fairness becomes more nuanced. One teen may need more structure and guidance, while the other may need more freedom and trust. One may seek reassurance, while the other may want privacy. Treating them exactly the same may feel like “fairness” to you, but it does not take into account their different needs.
So what should you do at this stage? Be clear that you are responding to their individual needs. Communicating the rationale behind your decisions can help your children understand that any difference in treatment does not equate to favoritism. It also demonstrates emotional awareness to your children, who are themselves learning to navigate their emotions.
Why Birthdays Can Be Tough for Twins
The joint parties and birthday wishes for twins can be twice as much fun when they’re younger. But birthdays can become emotionally charged during adolescence, marking an evolving identity and shifting social circles. For twins, sharing a birthday with another person, however close that bond may be, can make the event feel less like a personal milestone and more like a shared obligation that lumps their experiences together.
Therefore, making twin birthdays meaningful takes a little extra thought. Individual birthday messages that reflect who each child is becoming often matter more than a large celebration. Separate candles, separate moments of attention, or letting each twin choose to do something special to them can also make a powerful difference.
How Language Shapes Identity
How you say things can subtly reinforce how your children feel about themselves. For instance, referring to them constantly as “the twins” may seem harmless, but over time, it can make them feel they matter less as individuals. Instead of grouping them together, address them by name and reinforce their individual identities.
Consistently pairing one twin’s traits with the other’s also supports the idea that identity is comparative. For example, saying “You are thoughtful and reliable” is not the same as saying “You are the calm one.” The first allows for growth, while the second assigns a role that limits their potential and sets them in competition with their sibling.
One-on-One Time Matters
For twins, shared time is the default. They share school experiences, family expectations, and social activities. One-on-one time creates a rare pause in that dynamic. It gives each child space to spend time with their parents without the pressure of comparison or the presence of a sibling inevitably influencing the dynamic.
As a parent, it is also easier to notice subtle shifts in mood or stress levels when you are focused on one child at a time. Low-pressure moments often work best, especially for teens. A drive in the car, a walk, a shared errand, or sitting together while doing something ordinary can open conversations that would never surface in a group setting.
Supporting Independence Without Losing the Bond
Importantly, prioritizing individual time does not take away from the twin bond. Instead, it often strengthens it. When twins feel secure in their individual relationships with their parents, there is less tension with their sibling and less pressure for the sibling relationship to meet the wide range of their emotional needs.
As your children grow up, having someone as close as a twin can provide emotional security and support that other relationships cannot. However, as a parent, you must also help them to foster a sense of autonomy and confidence that allows them to pursue fulfilling lives separate from their shared identity.
Birthdays are just one of many opportunities for parents and family members to do so. Be sure to celebrate your children as the amazing individuals that they are, rather than simply as a pair of people who happen to share a special day.